Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Your dad touched me again.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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