WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
