just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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