i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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