I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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