So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
