a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
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While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk