I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
