On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism