I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
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he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
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OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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