Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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