i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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