someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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