mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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