My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
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just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
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Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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