I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
