good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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