I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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