I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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