i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
how drunk are you?
Several
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
