ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
