filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
