you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she pinky promised me she was 18
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
