I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
