great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
