He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
