just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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