What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
