Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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