with your own penis?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
