I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
