I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
