woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
