How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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