If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
