And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
