it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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