I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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