Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
