i need an iv and a liver transplant
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
smell my finger.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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