I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
4 words: hood of his car
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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