i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
