the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
