considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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