Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Sponge bath it is.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
