dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
