Whod you bang
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
