Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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