If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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