The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
