I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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