I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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