I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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