Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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