shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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