He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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