I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I got inside last night via doggy door
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
