I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize