my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
