I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
